BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
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Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Matt Goss
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.