Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
You Might Also Like
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Important
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.