Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
How to find Kentucky on a map
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
so i’m at the stock market right
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
This could be us but you eatin’
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…