Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
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A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with