BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
You Might Also Like
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My beach vacation Google searches
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty