BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
You Might Also Like
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
This made me chuckle.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Buck naked
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.