BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
You Might Also Like
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know