BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
You Might Also Like
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
“What?”
– Jude
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes