BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
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How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
just left a huge legacy in there
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me: