BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.