Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
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I know a bad idea when I see one.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working