I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets