Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Social distancing in Australia:
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.