Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
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Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
pat pat
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.