[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
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Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.