@StephenKing: Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn't absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.
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@jumpdashark: "I don't think you're ready for this jelly." ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
@2tickytacky: I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she'd let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
@wickedsuga: This kid in target fell on the ground screaming bc his mom wouldn't buy him candy & now she's yelling for us both to get up and be quiet.
@Spaziotwat: [Hospital] Doctor:"...and so the baby is fine." Me:"And my wife?" Doc:"I'm afraid she's critical" Me:"I know! But how is she?"