Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
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So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.