Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
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Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?