@mrtruthandsoul: Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. "We call it the melon-cauli," says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I'm so sorry
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@TheRolo: "Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff" I feel it says all u need to know about me "He's drunk with a cheeseburger" Yes
@QwertyJones3: "Honey, it's not that I don't like your cooking, it's just that the smoke's about to asphyxiat our family." "WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??"
@Underchilde: I don’t think Twitter’s real. I think I’m in a mall in 1987 listening to “I Think We’re Alone Now” & my mind invented Twitter to protect me.
@funnyoneliners: I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them.