@mrtruthandsoul: Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. "We call it the melon-cauli," says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I'm so sorry
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@DecantAndPour: I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week. She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.
@jake_likes_naps: Karen: Are we ok? Me: [removes earbud] Yes. Karen: It's just that you named a Spotify playlist "LET'S GET DIVORCED"
@outsmartedmommy: Me: Ugh how can people live like this?! Him: This is our house. Me: What the Hell happened? Him: We had kids. Me: Oh. Right.
@Kyle_Raney: How to open a letter: 1. Carefully remove seal 2. Slide your finger unde--okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO