BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
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[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself