How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
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Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
who called it hell and not heaven’t
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
mom gave me mine for free
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning