Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
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(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
peep davidson
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.