@slimmy_shady: Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It's the ocean! That's where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
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@Sarcasticsapien: I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don't know English when people wanna make small talk.
@dumbbeezie: "You ruined everything." -People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
@praisecheese: Me: I've invested heavily in hedgehog funds. You: I think you mean hedge funds. *opens door to roomful of hedgehogs* Me: Nope.
@HammerFist3: Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you Me: yeah well that's just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time