Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
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Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Lol
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.