Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
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If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.