@causticbob: breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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@AtticusFinch79: [first date] Him: What are you passionate about? Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy. Him: Animals? Me: Haha. Sure...
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks? ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card? INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@sgtblueeyes: I told her it's been a while. She told me that was fine. It's just like riding a bike. Now she's mad I checked her for proper inflation
@petridishes: from Jabba the Hutt's perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him