I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
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Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
When your parents check you’re ok.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.