If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
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If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
BETRAYAL
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”