@CrapLocalNews: Breaking news:
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@PharmerRPh: Judge: "Reason for divorce?" Me: "Reconcilable differences." Judge: "Don't you mean irreconcilable?" Me: "Ugh. You sound just like her."
@MacAnnabella: Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
@AthenaMystique: Dear Google Maps, Don't insult me by telling me to head "southwest". If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn't be using you. Kthnxbye
@Retacof: Officer: You were speeding. Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic. O: There Is no traffic. M: I am really far behind.