@CrapLocalNews: Breaking news:
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@TheBoydP: A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
@Brampersandon_: ME: so what do you do GUY: I'm an oral surgeon ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you're a helluva kisser
@CaniacMONK: My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.