Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women