Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
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My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO