BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
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New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
tinder is all about the long game
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency