@RexHuppke: BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you're old enough to leave North Dakota
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@T_N_Crumpets: Waiter: black pepper? Me: sure Waiter: say when Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
@ninatreemonkey: If I had two bathrooms I'd tell everyone someone died in one, I ain't tryna clean two bathrooms
@VanGobot: Judge: Guilty! *bangs gavel* NINE MONTHS LATER *gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby* Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
@s_kerekes: My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes. Dating is rough.