@RexHuppke: BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you're old enough to leave North Dakota
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@Brampersandon_: [stand-up comic bombing] Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts Audience: BOOOOOO! Comic: Oh ok you've heard that one before.
@TheTweetOfGod: Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all horrible sinners and you're going to hell.
@BGH70: The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party. I got, "Oh, you're still here?"