@jazmasta: BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance
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@2tickytacky: When someone yells "Fire!" at my house, I'll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
@captainkalvis: CRIME SCENE me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires british officer: what about that bloody fork me: this is no time to eat sir
@PieChord: The only time my ex will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
@bourgeoisalien: Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be? Me: Can they both be dead?