BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
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milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
This took me a second..
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair