@tastefactory: BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
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@duumb: [kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers [gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb
@liv_thatsme: (Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can) Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS
@pleatedjeans: Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly [emerges from cocoon] AH WTF I'M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
@kfoagkfoag: *me, struggling to please the members of our tea club* "Please, everyone! Why can't we all just get oolong?!