@weirdralph: BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
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@sarcasticmommy4: A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, "I need to make your dentist appointment."
@jordan_stratton: You're not impressing anyone, server who didn't write down our orders. You're just making us anxious.
@stormy_hero: [at wedding] "I now pronounce you husband and wife." Couple kisses *yelling from the back row "AWKWAAAARD"