BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
(Electricians.)
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.