BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
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I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now