BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
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Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.