BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
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Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*