BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
repaired
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.