BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
This makes total sense…
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.