@causticbob: BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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@DeepDarkFear: "Hate it when I think of her and suddenly we're teleported to a picturesque location, and have to dance to a random love song." - Indians
@heytherecore: Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: "Probably not bees," says one scientist. "Dear god what if it's bees?"
@iwearaonesie: wife's facebook post: so proud of 8, he's trying so hard in school! mama loves you! wife's text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink