@causticbob: BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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@QwertyJones3: A lot of people don't realize that Shania Twain's father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
@alizmay: Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
@LowkeyNerdy: i don't need a "previously on..." ive been watching this show for 9 hours straight
@hippieswordfish: joe: siri address me as poopyhead siri: okay poopyhead *obama enters* barack: joe have you seen my phone? joe: yep here *runs away giggling*