*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
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I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
excuse me
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep