Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
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Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol