[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Sending in my taxes