Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
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On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”