Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
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boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Meth is short for Elizameth.