Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.