Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
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Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.