if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…