*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
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No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that