Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it